XXII.

While his partners were fighting their own battles, Aleph walked through the front part of the house. He tried to keep telepathic communication open but could only hear muffled voices.

The room he was in looked like it was decorated by a madman or in this case, a madwoman. Wigs of every color and style were hung on the walls and dozens of model airplanes dangled from the ceiling. The furniture consisted of large metal barrels covered in lacy throw pillows.

Aleph held his sword poised for action.

This assignment had really turned sour. When he was first asked to join the Elves of Fuck, he was eager for the adventure. Correcting infidelities through surveillance and violence seemed like a fun way to earn money. Aleph had always taken his job seriously, but he was starting to lose the passion and heart he’d had in his early years with the company. To make matters worse, because of recent budget cuts, he felt it was harder to justify the hard work

with the meager salary.

This will be the last job and then I find something else. I take care of this crazy bitch, rescue Santa Claus, and then I’m out.

As Aleph walked into the next room, he saw Santa Claus standing against the wall, smiling.

“Santa?” the elf said. “Are you okay? Your wife hired me. I’m here to rescue you.”

“Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Santa said. He took a few steps forward and that’s when Aleph smelled the peppermint.

The woman must have been standing there the entire time but Aleph hadn’t seen her. For the first time in years, Aleph felt himself aroused by the sight of a human woman. She was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

He was eye-level with her massive breasts. They called to him. Bury yourself in us...Lick the sweat from underneath these mountains.

Aleph shook himself loose from the woman’s mental grasp and ran forward with his sword. The woman dodged out of the way like a sexy cheetah.

“Oh, look. It’s a naked little elf,” she said, sending a fist to the back of Aleph’s head. Again he slashed with his blade and managed to cut Kay across the arm. Her blood fell to the floor with a splat.

The blood bubbled and grew into several chunks of hairy, black flesh. They rolled in front of Santa Claus, who was still grinning like an idiot.

Kay said, “Oh, look at what you’ve done, you dumb little thing.” She punched at the elf again but Aleph blocked the attack with his arm.

The woman was strong. Aleph’s head hurt like hell but he still slashed several times at Kay, missing each time. She was fast, too.

Finally, he said, “What the fuck did you do to him?” Kay laughed. “Whatever do you mean? What makes you think I did anything to him? He and I are lovers, you know. Have been for years. Who are you to get in the way of true love?” She walked over to the chunks of flesh and spat on them.

Aleph was about to rush her again when he saw the chunks start to grow until they were the size of infants. The pieces of hairy flesh formed into miniature apes with red faces.

Kay proudly stood next to them. “Here you go, little elf. Meet the red faces of god!”

The apes ran to Aleph, grunting and pounding their little fists in the air. He slashed down with his sword, catching one of the creatures in the head. Its split skull opened up and spat out sugarplums. Another slash of the sword and two apes were decapitated. Their tiny heads rolled to Kay’s feet. She screamed.

“How dare you!”

Seeing her rage only made Aleph more determined to hack his way through the angry apes. One of them got to Aleph and grabbed his penis. It pulled and pulled while the elf pounded the ape’s head with the handle of his sword. “For fuck’s sake, get the hell off my dick!”

The red-faced ape grinned and pulled harder. Finally, there was the tearing of flesh and Aleph’s penis was ripped off and in the ape’s mouth.

Kay laughed. She jumped forward and grabbed Aleph’s neck. Face to face with the woman, the elf could smell her sweet peppermint breath.

“Oh, you’d fit perfectly in my bitch-box. You want to be my bitch, dear?” she said. “Drink my piss, eat my—” Kay screamed.

Aleph hadn’t seen Gimel walk into the room. He hadn’t seen the elf take his giant bone-penis glove and shove it up Kay’s skirt. But that’s what happened.

Kay’s hands dropped from Aleph’s neck and she fell to her knees with Gimel’s hand still inside her. “Get the fuck out of me!” she screamed.

Gimel was in a trance. He pushed his fist in, pulled it out a tiny bit, and shoved it in again, deeper and harder than before. Kay let out a howl like a dying baboon.

Once he got his bearings, Aleph brought his sword up and brought it down on the woman’s neck.

Kay’s head rolled over to Santa’s feet. Her neck gushed sugarplums that smelled like peppermint and menstrual blood. “Fucking hell,” Gimel said.

“Yeah.” Aleph dropped his sword and fell over, exhausted. He looked over at Santa. The jolly, fat man was still staring into space, grinning like an idiot.